You might also have a strong desire to be needed, believing that you have a better chance of receiving affection from people who need you. But a pattern of this can cause problems, since it tells people their needs come before yours. People-pleasing involves readiness to take on blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with you. Say your boss asked you to get pizza for lunch, but the restaurant mixed up the order.
Still, you apologize again and again, feeling terrible, believing your co-workers will hate you and never trust you to order lunch again.
Say your co-workers presented their ideas for an upcoming project at a team meeting. Continuing to push your own needs to the side makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself. You also may not be able to voice the feelings you are aware of, even when you want to speak up for yourself. People pleasers tend to like giving, Myers explains.
But take a look at how you spend your free time. Do you have time for hobbies and relaxation? Try to pinpoint the last time you did something just for yourself. Do you have many moments like that? People-pleasing tends to involve a fear of anger.
This is pretty logical. You might also fear conflict that has nothing to do with you. But trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping people happy. If you spend all your time doing things for others, the people you help might recognize and appreciate your sacrifices.
But they might not. In either case, being nice with ulterior motives can eventually cause frustration and resentment. Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of people-pleasing tendencies. They may not be able to name the behavior. People-pleasing is usually a behavior learned in childhood among other adaptive behaviors that unconsciously gets brought into adulthood. If your caregivers had high expectations of you and punished you for making even small mistakes, people-pleasing is a natural response.
If you were pressured to perform or pushed to a high level of success, you may have learned that this success equals love. If you had to behave a certain way in order to stay safe emotionally, physically, or otherwise , people-pleasing may have been an effective coping mechanism.
If you saw people-pleasing behavior during childhood, you may have followed suit, even if you were conscious of the negative effects of doing so. We take in all conscious and subconscious messages in our environment, positive or negative. Our boundaries should reflect compassion for ourselves and others.
What are boundaries? Boundaries create p. Considering other peoples feelings and treating them with kindness and generosity is something we should all s. Is your need to please getting in the way of your happiness? Is it consuming your energy and leaving you deple. When you love someone who has bipolar disorder, you may want to help, but you just don't know how. You can learn some ways to help here.
You two are pretty close. It can be a powerful strategy for survival, but is exhausting to do all the time. Thanks for your interest in my work! The newsletter link is at the bottom of each page of the website in the footer.
Interesting to know more about myself by your article. My mother died when I was in grade 2 and my father has been very lonely then, he gives us needs at least financially but lacks the support that I have been longing for.
I was always looking for attention and tried my best to be excellent in everything I do. I make sure to please my family, friends, and partner. I am hoping to find ways how to improve this aspect, know and love myself more. I always felt secure with my parents and had their love ,so pleasing them was not an obsessive problem. I felt safe. But yes, i did like pleasing them and making them proud because I was proud of them and who I was. I loved myself and loved my sister who was not a pleaser but had difficulty in the home with them and as often violent towards me.
Later in life, when I had severe panic attacks, anxiety and social paralysis,as a sober woman who quit smoking hard to do try it sometime I wasnt trying to please to them nor could I speak freely from severe sexual harassment that is why I seemed upset. But it was more in the community growing up, that I felt a need to please others, that my parents were not looking at the importance of helping me stand up for myself or stand with me to have my own voice, psychology and assert my own rights and identity.
If I had had conflicts, I know we all would have learned but those conflicts and learning Never happened. Those important passages were denied, protected or subversively suppressed as a means to protect me from pain and a painful cruel situation it is!.
I have a voice now and I use it, hopefully without torture, abuse, force and more continual systemic abuse of my person since and I know I was fine then and will be again. I live my life by learning to grow and learn about my own personal intergrity somethings I didnt lend as a heavy drinker since 16 and boundaries and at 51 I dont care as much what others think of me, although it still bothers me ALOT but I know know that it s my life.
The tears are streaking down my face after reading this. My Mom is also — and has always been — unreliable in every way, including emotionally. My Dad left when I was 11, and I had to be the support for my Mom when my heart was broken too. That was in January , and his words still echo in my head at times.
Throughout my teens and adult life I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and various other issues, including attempts to sabotage my marriage by pushing him away because I was convinced he was going to leave me anyway so I might as well give him a reason to.
Thank all the stars he never has. Based on the clinical criteria, this people pleaser trait is actually a maternal inherited predisposition from the mother. People are simply born with it rather than learn it. Biology and temperament are a part of the picture, but nurture, including attachment bonds, cultural values and expectations, and family dynamics also play a large part in whether people pleasing develops.
Some of the things here apply to me. The withholding of approval and compliments, my Mom does it all the time. She always did. And replace it by criticism. I am not saying that I am an angel,but a lot of her behavior took its toll on me for most of my childhood. The parents busy thinking about something else. Well yes, but that apply more with my dad. He is very preoccupied by our financial security. Always did side jobs beside his main job. And the thing is, while he does his utmost best to not show it to us, I know he is unwell somehow.
So for a unknown amount of time in my childhood I was stuck between a very present but criticizing, stressed and distant mom and a stressed and mostly absent Dad. I was well fed and cared for but alone. I felt really lonely. Of course we had good moments too and I am grateful but…yeah. There is also the fact that my mom never…never empathise with my feelings. She always minimize them. It show she cares but… I confessed to being addicted to the use of Youtube.
I took that as a coping mechanism for negative emotions. I have also a bad habit of seeking food for comfort. I manage to not do it most of the time, but in some periods of high stress, I end up mistaking stress for hunger and that caused me to take a lot of pounds. Sorry for changing the subject. Mom and me never had a emotionnal conforting conversation with each other.
I had a few of them with dad. I will try my best to be better. Thanks for your advices and wisdom. I confessed to my parents my addiction problem, but all they did was to tell me to take a vacation job. Maybe I am a little lazy but I mostly feel emotionally exausted. I am trying my best, looking around, reading sites like yours to try a have a grip before school starts… If you have some advice that would be really cool.
Thanks you very much for all your efforts and for the help you are providing for people like me. Would this be considered people pleasing behavior or would this be considered another type of behavior? Name required. Mail will not be published required. What makes a people pleaser.
Am I codependent? Codependency therapy in Austin. Ann Stoneson is an Austin therapist specializing in people-pleasing , trauma recovery , new moms , and therapy for therapists. Serving the Austin community with an open heart and an open mind since Click here to read more about Ann. Code: Retype Code:. Wondering what makes a people-pleaser?
Buried under a never-ending to-do list? Feel guilty saying no? Worried what others think? Some of the skills that people-pleasers have include… Taking the temperature of a room ie, tuning into how a situation feels Blending or editing themselves to fit in with the group Intuiting what other people think , feel, and need in a situation Caring for others, anticipating needs, and generally being indispensable Strong work ethic People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with a lack of security in a relationship.
How do they learn to do this? Want to get to get to the bottom of your own people pleasing tendencies? Enjoy the rest of the post! Because of their preoccupation, the parents would blow hot and cold. So, one moment they might be affectionate and loving, and the next distant, absent, or worried. This is very confusing for the child. Early lessons in people-pleasing Over time, the people-pleasing child learns that her parents are unreliable. But she cannot stop depending on them, and she longs for close, consistent connection.
So she may get good at propping up parents emotionally. And so she begins to practice her people-pleasing skills. What causes people pleasing takes root Parental emotional inconsistency is what causes people pleasing.
Learn more about what makes a people-pleaser If you recognize yourself or your childhood in this post, take heart. The first step in making changes is in putting words to what is happening. Want to learn more? Why am I writing this book? Three reasons. Emerald -. Ann Stonebraker -.
Cox -. Ann Stoneson -. Sandra -. Brent -. Elizabeth -. Eliska -. Annie Notestein -. Matt -. Maddy -. Debbie H -. Rebekah -. This is pretty common for people-pleasers who want to fit in with others.
Some people are easily persuaded to think and feel a certain way. If you follow Kylie Kardashian on Instagram then you may be easily influenced to buy her makeup as she makes it seem so appealing. If there is a current trend to wear scrunchies then you will probably be susceptible to follow the trend and start wearing scrunchies. If others tell you what to do, you will most likely listen and follow their instructions without thought.
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU. You get lost in taking care of everyone else that you forget about your own self-care and that is put last on your to-do list. You have a hard time creating boundaries and knowing your limits.
In the days of social media and getting likes, you may find yourself needing others to validate if you are a good person or not. But then you feel the urge to post about it on Facebook so others can validate you are a good person.
You then return your new outfit. Examples like these show that you are easily influenced by what others think of you and not of how you actually feel about yourself. This is the most neglected part for people-pleasers. They are always ready to lend a hand or be there for someone else. But when it comes down to it, they are not there for themselves.
People-pleasers are usually great listeners and give the best advice. She specializes in helping teens and adults with anxiety, depression, and life transitions through counseling.
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